Sadness in Anger

I was so angry this morning and my Uber driver was so fuckin cheerful, it pissed me off. I had my headphones in and he shouted “mam” and I took them out and he’s all “oh you had earbuds in, I was talking to you this whole time”.

I brought it up in my processing and this older gentleman was like “why didn’t you just tell him you didn’t wanna talk.”

I think for me it was deeper than that. I was so angry at that moment I probably would have told the driver to go fuck himself. So it’s best that my headphones were in and I was ignoring him.

I would hate to ruin someone’s good day because my own selfish bullshit.

That same older gentleman told me he thinks I hold myself very well and he doesn’t know me but I seem very articulate and he thinks I’m gonna get far in recovery and life.

That was the first time I almost cried in a minute, because I wish my dad could be telling me the same thing. I wish my dad could hold me and let me cry.. just let me be weak, for once in my life.

Honestly, Allyana. Pt. 1

I was encouraged to start a blog of my “sexcapades” from a dear friend. These stories, I dedicate to her. 🐙

We’ll start with my recent encounter. I’m a sex worker/escort and have been doing this off and on for about 5 years. Yesterday, I had an outcall with a very generous fellow & can honestly say, I enjoyed my time. I posted my ad in the early morning (6am) and by 10am I had a request in my email. The guy wanted to meet at 8pm, but since I have work the next morning I asked if he was available in the afternoon. He said 2pm works for him, so when I took my lunch I ran across the street to Walgreens to get a tank top, eyeliner and mascara. They had the makeup, but didn’t have a shirt. I got off work at 1:15pm and bolted to Marshall’s to find a shirt and sweater. After I was done doing myself up, I headed to his hotel. It was a very nice 5 star establishment and he had the club level. I met him in the lobby and we headed up to his room. Usually in other cases I would be on edge to make sure he’s not LE, but prior to meeting I screened him through his verification profile & 2 ladies that have seen him in the past 4 months. They both vouched for him so I felt at ease. Back to the appointment, we headed up to the room and talked for a good half hour, took a shower then got down to business. He pleased me very well & left the generous donation on the dresser, as requested. I was there for almost an hour, and enjoyed every moment. He offered me a glass of wine or champagne and I declined since I’m almost 60 days sober. I knew if I would have drank things would have gotten weird. Thankfully, he didn’t mind and we enjoyed eachother. After I left I took BART back to my city & got my nails done. I treated myself after that nice date.

He’s from NY and frequents SF, so we’ll see each other again.

New Roommate

So I got a new roommate, lets call her Remy. My last one left 2 days after I got settled in at the group home. She was kinda off, but hella sweet. Well, Remy is the opposite. I figured out shes also a taurus like me, so it makes sense why we bump heads, but she’s so inconsiderate and needy. I feel like I need to watch over my stuff very well & I don’t sleep until I know she’s asleep. Also, I bought her a Reeses Cup the first night she was here. Been nothing, but nice to this 32 year old lady.

We did a group class at the church yesterday, and it was on Stress Management. The pastor asked, “What is something you can do to relieve stress?” He pointed at me and I told him “dancing”. Well I guess I triggered her somehow and she started laughing saying, “Psh. Dancing? You’re no dancer. I’ve taught all kinds of dancing & I’m professional. Instead of dancing you should exercise.” The pastor told her to relax since I wasn’t talking to her. Thats what started it all, and now she’s hella disrespectful. So as I’m walking out of the church, you see her doing some kind of choreography dancing, and I just walk passed her laughing; unbothered.

The next day was another thing. I had to shave, had a therapy appointment at 10:30am, and a dentist appointment at 1:30pm. I let the staff know so they were concerned about what time I was up and ready. As I go to the shower to shave, she’s in there trying to shave and I say, “oh you’re gonna do that right now?” She said in a low voice, “yeah I am get the fuck out my way.” So I walk out of the bathroom and let her do her thing. As I walk out, the staff let’s her know that I’m first priority since I have appointments set up. Her response was, “I don’t give a fuck what she needs to do. I need to get my EBT set up, and get signed up for school. So fuck her shit!” I ended up just getting ready and ignoring her. It’s starting to get hard to keep my mouth shut though.

She won’t stay in the same room as me, or sit near me. If I’m in the bedroom, she’ll go to the living room. If I’m in the living room, she’ll move to the kitchen or back to the bedroom. The only time were in the same area is when we’re sleeping or in the van. She’s pretty much running her own program here, smoking when she wants to smoke, throws a fit & says she’s gonna call the pastor if she doesn’t get her way, goes in the kitchen when we’re not even suppose to be in the kitchen. I’m starting to get annoyed because this is starting to get in the way of my mental sanity, my headspace, MY RECOVERY. I don’t feel comfortable in my own room, or her near my stuff cause I feel like she’s gonna do something to it or take something in a spiteful manner. The staff is getting tired of her tantrums and I’m just sitting back to see how this all plays out.

Until next time, Hernandez OUT! *Unless I need to write more in this blog cause there’s ALOT going on..

Healer

37204409_10216433262085012_6746410538361683968_nRight now, I’m dealing with an issue within myself. Helping other people is something I’m use to doing. Which is why I named this blog “Pleasing To Self Destruct”, I’m a huge healer. I want to help everyone else before I help myself. I have that friend, Benji, that I made at the mental hospital and we got really close. I could say he’s definitely my male best friend. We just clicked. Well, Benji is suppose to transition to the group home I’m at, yet a male hasn’t left. So he’s still in that hell hole of a psych ward. I feel hella bad and all I can think about is his well being. I hate to see any of my friends go down a dark path. I want all my friends to succeed, not fail. I just don’t know what else to do except bring it up every so often. What is annoying is theres a guy here that can leave, he has a place to go, but he’s still here. I hate when people take up space when someone else needs it.

When I was in rehab that’s all I thought about. I would see these inconsiderate assholes that went to the rehabs and were getting paid to be there. THAT shit pissed me off cause they’re taking up a bed that another person could be using. There was hella people being paid to be there, only used for a roof over their head, or weren’t ready to be sober. I knew so many people that would have loved that spot.

So at that moment that’s happening right now. I’m angry, irritated, frustrated and just plain out sad that my friend can’t come to this house yet, because someone else is selfish. That’s how I feel. I’m always going to be a people pleaser. I’m always going to put someone else’s well being in front of my own. I hate when people tell me to worry about myself, cause its not gonna happen. I worry too much about others, especially those that I care about. UGH! I’m gonna end this at I’M SO FUCKIN ANGRY!40943239_10216830408013412_293817175121068032_n

Coming Back For More?

I’m so frustrated with my ex, Ken, calling me. He literally called me to ask for help.

OK. Yeah, let me help you when you couldn’t even help me when I needed you the most. Remember, you called the police to put me in a mental hospital? Remember, when you said you were gonna visit and you never did? Remember, how you said you were gonna call me everyday and you didn’t? Remember, all the promises you made to me that you broke? Yeah, I do. You’re such a narcissistic person, it’s always about you. Even when I was in the psych ward you still made it about you. YOU were the one suffering from anxiety, but I’m sitting in a mental hospital that treats its patients like animals. YOU were suffering from paranoia and I WAS STILL sitting in a mental hospital that treated its patients like shit. I was completely doped up by nurses who did know what the fuck they were doing and you couldn’t even keep one promise to see me 1 time, when a mutual friend offered to take you.

YOU NEED HELP? Yeah you fuckin do. You had the audacity to call me a loser, when you’re the loser who sleeps on a mattress in a house filled with roaches. YOU ARE A ROACH. FUCK YOU.

Although, I am extremely pissed. and as much as I want to curse you..

I hope you enjoy the rest of your sad pathetic life. User, abuser, narcissist, asshole, scum on my shoe, shit on the sidewalk.

The song I dedicate to you is:

Needed Me – Rihanna

I was good on my own, that’s the way it was

That’s the way it was

You was good on the low for a faded fuck

On some faded love

Shit, what the fuck you complaining for?

Feeling jaded huh?

Used to trip off that shit I was kickin’ to you

Had some fun on the run though I give it to you

But baby

Don’t get it twisted

You was just another lil bitch on the hit list

Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch

Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage

Fuck your white horse and a carriage

Bet you never could imagine

Never told you you could have it

September 3rd – New Day

So I’ve been moved to a group home from the psych ward. At first I was hella anxious, but its definitely better than that psych ward I was at, holy hell I gave that place 1 star on Yelp. LOL It would be 0 if I could.

The Group Home is good, they have a cook, and do activities daily. There’s 6 people here: 4 guys and 2 girls. Interesting, but I guess guys have more mental issues than females? Idk cause when I was in the mental hospital there was like 15 guys and 4 girls.. so thats my assumption. Anyway, the house is an older house, but I’m grateful to have an amazing place take me in and treat me like their own. Everyone here has a mental illness, so we all relate to anxiety, anger, depression, borderline personality and bipolar disorder. Since its Labor Day we all went to the park to have a BBQ. They made barbeque chicken, hot dogs, and potato salad. I was too anxious to eat, so I ended up playing on the swings and jungle gym the whole time. I wish I did eat cause that shit look amazing.

It was nice swinging on the swings; I need to bring out my inner child since I was pretty much deprived of my childhood. I wanted to climb a tree, but then I was worried about insects or splinters LOL. Anyway, after the BBQ my stepmom brought me more clothes and shoes, thank goodness cause I’m gonna be here for 2 weeks. I think my anxiety came from leaving Benji at the psych ward, he was hella sad. We’re hoping he’s coming to this group home tomorrow or the next day. I guess the minute I left some guy tried to sucker punch him. He said I was his muscle/protection, pretty much. So I’m hoping he does come here and gets the help he needs.

My medication was all fucky today since the group home has their own schedule, so that made me pretty irritated and anxious. Other than that, my day has been wonderful and I’ll be ending this blog since my medications are kicking in (Trazadone, Seroquil & Gabapentin) Such a nice sleepy cocktail of meds. LOL.

Until next time, Hernandez out!

You Deserve Better

Ever been with someone so toxic, you feel their toxicity rubbing off on you? Even though you deserve better, you keep going back? We, as women shouldn’t feel less than, shouldn’t have to conserve ourselves because that’s what the man wants, shouldn’t feel the need to go back to the 50s because the man wants to be “The Man”. When two people meet everything should be mutual and everything should be out on the table.

I did that with this guy, let’s call him Ken. It was all kosher in the beginning, but once we started drinking together I noticed it got bad and fast. Once he found out I was escorting he wanted 50% of the cash I brought in. I literally laughed at his face cause all this dude did was sit on his mattress in his sad ass house. Then he decided it would be okay to put his hands on me. Granted, I did ask for it, but it was more in a BDSM, slap me, spank me kinda way. I guess he took it as “Hit Me Bitch Lets Fight”

We had a couple of altercations, they weren’t that bad, but still bad enough to leave him. I’ve never been the type of lady to let a man put hands on her because I’m the type to fight you back and I’ll make sure you’re seriously injured. He did leave a bruise on my cheek and when I came over he said “when you come over you cover that shit up when you’re around me!”

He’s the reason why I was 5250d, and that’s the only thing I thank him for.

I deserve better & I’m getting better. I found someone who wants the same things I want & I love that we’re taking it slow. I’ve never taken anything slow so it makes me anxious, but it’s a good thing. I feel like I’m done searching.. we shall see. Until the next blog! Hernandez Out!

When One Door Shuts Another Opens

When I got started in sex work I was 18 (2010) and my first encounter was scary, interesting and I can remember it very well. I replied to a post on Craigslist, and the guy seemed cool (Side Note: DO NOT GO OFF “HE SEEMED COOL”). His house was in the Berkeley Hills, hidden and tucked away. I was definitely nervous and contemplated going to this appointment, but money talks. He was in real estate, his house was gorgeous. He had a porch that outlooked into the Berkeley hills and it was 3 stories. He was a cool cat, but the only downfall was he did crystal meth. He asked if I wanted some, but I wasn’t interested. He ended up smoking some out of his pipe, and after a couple minutes of that we did what we did and $300 was left in an envelope in the bathroom. I freshened up and left. As I was sitting in my car, I was wondering if I should feel some kind of negative feeling, shame, or guilt? All I could do is smile, feel empowered, and drive away knowing I made a whole check in 30 minutes. After that, I was meeting men every weekend and then found other escorting sites and made profiles on there. This became my life for the next 8 years.

Escorting is not for everyone. You need to be motivated, strong-minded, determined, and willing to spend time with not so good looking guys, but not all the time. You’ll be taken on lavish dates, flown to different cities, boughten gifts from respectful and generous gentlemen. My escorting was more geared towards the “Heauxing” side. I would pay for a hotel, post on the advertising sites, get appointments set and we would enjoy one another’s company. I was considered a “low volume” provider, meaning I wouldn’t take more than 4 appointments a day. That may sound like a lot to a normal “square bear” but definitely isn’t in this industry. I also created my own website, do my own marketing and advertising, write my own ads, answer all my calls, emails, texts and voicemails.

I also stripped in San Francisco and for a bachelor party company in Vegas. Those were the best and worst times of my life. It brought me insecurity, deeper depression, over exhaustion, alcoholism, bumps and bruises, fights, loves lost and friendships were broken. The only good thing about dancing is it brought me my two best friends, Brooke & Kendra. Those two girls have been with me through thick and thin within and out of the industry.

Point being, I’m done. I want the regular life, with the regular husband and kids. Making Sunday morning brunches and having dinner parties, and being the barista I enjoy being. It’s all definitely possible while being a sex worker, but I’m coming to a realization it isn’t my calling. I have a bigger purpose on this earth and it’s to heal others. I was definitely healing others while I was dancing since most of the time its free therapy for the client; always talking about their marital problems and what their wife won’t do and financial debts, but its time to work on myself and get my certifications done. I’m heading more towards the medical field and counseling addicts and sex workers. I want to give back to the community that made me feel welcomed.

 

They Say I’m Crazy Pt. 2

Woke up this morning a bit earlier than usual and noticed “my babysitter” was sitting right in front of the door, just looking at me. He was a male, and I’ve had multiple negative male interactions. So I said, “Do you need to sit directly in front of me? Cant, you turn your chair to the side and check every so often, because you sitting like that staring at me is making me feel uncomfortable and I have PTSD.” He ended up getting defensive and told me to “lay down and don’t worry about what he’s doing!” Mind you, he’s not a nurse, just floor staff. My nurse came over to calm him down and let him know “he can’t talk to me like that and if I don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there than he needs to move” She also called him unprofessional and he was moved to look over another patient. It’s 10:19am and there’s already been so much drama. I made friends with another male patient here, let’s call him Benji, he’s hella cool, like my psych ward roll dog. I’ll definitely keep in contact with him after this, but anyway, his roommate was stealing stuff from Benji’s side of the room, yesterday. So I feel as his friend I should confront him when I saw him doing it myself. I ended up getting in trouble because its not my room nor my business.

Then there was an encounter with one of the crazier patients, the nurses went in to give him breakfast and he didn’t want it so I guess they decided to send in this heavy set, older security to contain him. Well, that didn’t go so well.. the patient socked the security in the nose and he was leaking, and when I say leaking, he was full on bleeding from his nose. They had to call the paramedics and drag the patient from his room to another one.

Just a while ago I was told I’m being discharged to a group home, which is amazing since I’ve heard nothing but good things about this place. So I’m pretty excited, right? When I’m excited I become very vibrant, loud, giggly, and just plain ol’ having a good time. Well, I guess my doctor (the one who told me to cover my boobs and butt) didn’t like how loud I was and told me to “calm down” which for me is triggering. I had a flashback of my dad scolding me when all I wanted to do was be a child having fun.

When I think about it, that’s all I want to be – a child having fun. Since I was deprived of my innocence and childhood so young, but that’s a whole other story.

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