I’m writing to you from a psychiatric hospital although I am heavily medicated. I realized they have a community computer so I decided to write away. This is my first time in a mental hospital, and let me tell ya, it’s way different from the two rehabs I’ve been to. In retrospect, they’re pretty much the same, but very much different. Rehab was ocean breeze, water skiing, personal chef, yoga, and groups. This hospital is far from that, microwavable breakfast, lunch, and dinner, same blue jumpsuits, staff that doesn’t seem to give a fuck; albeit there are a select few that are so caring and compassionate, and the only entertainment is a TV that only shows basic cable.
It all started when I had this overwhelming feeling of ending my life on Sunday, August 26th, 2018. I was talking to my ex-boyfriend about ending my life and was drinking heavily for 4 days straight. How much alcohol, you say? Enough to black out every time. Anyway, he ended up calling the PD and a peace office came to my house asking whats wrong. I told how I felt and unhappy I am with life. I just wanted to end it all or disappear cause no one LOVES me, yet they say they do. To say one thing is good, but to DO and show action is better and actually makes progress. I ended up letting the officer know that, yes I am in danger to myself. I was, embarrassingly, carried away in an ambulance and sent to urgent care until they had a bed open at the psychiatric hospital. I was at urgent care for several hours, possibly until midnight. I’m unclear about.
Anyway, they have a bed open at this psychiatric hospital, except it wasn’t a bed, it was a mattress on the floor with 2 blankets. My vitals were checked a couple times (Prehypertension) and I was given Ativan and Librium. They ended up waking us and noticed it was still dark outside. So I’m unsure of the time. I picked up my stuff and was sent into this “Lobby A” area, and let me tell you, it’s something out of a movie: people walking lifelessly in blue jumpsuits, being dragged from one unit to another, screaming at other staff or patients, one guy shit himself and continued to walk around, and I had some guy expose himself to me. WOW. I’m really unsure of my days because I’m missing 1 whole day in my head. but after that gross incident, I sat around with others and did absolutely nothing. Thank goodness I had a book.
I ended up getting moved to a more silent lobby and it was considered “Lobby B”. It was definitely pretty calm. We ended up watching Hercules, ate dinner then took meds and passed out (Meds: Ativan). I haven’t had my appropriate sleeping meds yet because I haven’t spoken to a psychiatrist. So all that night I was tossing and turning and having some odd lucid dreams. Next day I wake up to this horrific strong smell of urine. I guess the lady beside me pissed on her cot. So the nurses are trying to find the source and the guy next to her points at her. So they get up and realize she pissed herself. After breakfast ended I was told I was being moved to the room next door, where I was all alone… no one. Just me myself and I, I ended up getting a roommate, but we’ll discuss that later.
As I was sitting in that room alone I was contemplating suicide and finding ways of cutting myself, and then I remembered the plastic cutlery. So I waited until lunchtime and after it got dark I started slicing, pressing the plastic knife ridges deep into my skin and glide it down. The plastic knife wasn’t that much of a help. but it was relieving the pain I was feeling at that moment. I then took my sleeping meds (Meds: Ativan) and fell asleep, although my dreams were so ridiculously vivid I really felt like I was in them. Damn, I love sleeping meds.
So, cut to the next day; the nurse asked me some questions and I let them know I did cut myself with their cutlery, so I’m not allowed to have plastic utensils while I’m here and I have a staff member on my ass at all times (Thank goodness he’s eye candy). They ended up moving me back to the first “Lobby A” I was in, so yeah it was pretty intense; some guy pooped himself and another girl scream/laughing over and over. Thankfully, I was only there for a couple of hours and was moved to “Unit D” where they had a bed and room available.
This is unit is okay. The hospital is okay. I mean, come on, it’s a city ran facility. Most of the staff here don’t have proper training, and frankly, I don’t think any of the nurses have it either. I was woken up at 6 am (WAY BEFORE WE NEED TO BE UP) to a man standing over me literally yelling “MONIQUE MONIQUE MONIQUE” I wake up and I’m like, “Do you fuckin mean Jessica cause Monique is not my fuckin name it’s my middle name” after that I hear the other staff lady say “Oh shes entitled” I then yelled back “I’m not entitled you cunts. Fuck you assholes!”. So that happens the 3 nights I’ve been in Unit D. I’ve wasted my breath too many times telling the staff that they need better bedside manner and definitely should be more sensitive to us since a lot of people here suffer from mental illness or addiction. Triggers are real. That man standing over me brought back a horrendous memory of my past that I’ve worked so hard at letting go & VOILA! at a psych ward, I’m being triggered again, but every day I’m here.
Last night was really interesting. Everyone was sitting around enjoying their snacks when all of a sudden an older man starts choking. I’m sure it was the peanut butter because they slather a huge amount with maybe a quarter of jelly. So none of the nurses seemed to know what to do, it looked like everyone was in shock. A nurse told another nurse to call Code Blue and he didn’t even know how to – He did know where the switch for Code Blue was… let that sink in. That wasted a good 30 seconds trying to find this switch. Paramedics came in and took him away.. not sure if he died or not.
Cut to today, Saturday, September 1st, 2018, I have woken up again the same way and that didn’t end well since of course, I ended up cussing out the staff. They also found the binder connector I pulled out to use to cut myself, assholes. We ended up going out got for “Occupational Therapy” and for the first time being here I was in a damn good mood. Well, some dancehall songs came on and I started grinding my hips while sitting down. I guess that offended that prude ass doctor because one of her minions came out and said I needed to “cover my butt and boobs” WTF. At that moment my face went blank and I walked to the corner and socked the wall. So now my hands kinda fucked. And okay, I will admit – I was wearing jeans, a spaghetti strap shirt with a red hoodie. That shouldn’t matter though. These are the very rights were trying to obtain.
If I feel like looking good and dressing a little sexier than that shouldn’t be an excuse for a man to touch me or a woman to tell me to change my clothes. The problem isn’t with my clothes, it’s with your small minded opinion. YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM NOT ME.
Anyways, I have two visitors today so that’s making me hella excited. My stepmom was supposed to bring my sisters, but they need to be 18 and they’re not, so that bummed me out since I really wanted to see them. :: Sad Face:: My other visitor is this guy I had a crush on in high school. He’s ACTUALLY coming to see me, unlike my now ex-boyfriend.
After my last visitor left there was a weird uncomfortable, almost sadistic situation that happened. They brought in an old man who was unconscious, slouched over and was shaking. So I asked a male staff for a blanket so I can cover him up. The staff gave me the blanket and was like “here you do it” with a smile. So as I go over to the old man I ask if he needs another blanket and he started screaming at me and whaling his arms around so I was like “okay I’ll just leave this behind you” and as im walking away I look at the male staff who gave me the blanket and hes smiling at me, sadistically it seemed. I told my friend, “I think he knew that was gonna happen, he knew that old man was gonna go crazy on my ass.” and we both look at him and hes still grinning. Hella spooked me out. That was the end of the night, stay tuned for part 2..