Honestly, Allyana. Pt. 1

I was encouraged to start a blog of my “sexcapades” from a dear friend. These stories, I dedicate to her. 🐙

We’ll start with my recent encounter. I’m a sex worker/escort and have been doing this off and on for about 5 years. Yesterday, I had an outcall with a very generous fellow & can honestly say, I enjoyed my time. I posted my ad in the early morning (6am) and by 10am I had a request in my email. The guy wanted to meet at 8pm, but since I have work the next morning I asked if he was available in the afternoon. He said 2pm works for him, so when I took my lunch I ran across the street to Walgreens to get a tank top, eyeliner and mascara. They had the makeup, but didn’t have a shirt. I got off work at 1:15pm and bolted to Marshall’s to find a shirt and sweater. After I was done doing myself up, I headed to his hotel. It was a very nice 5 star establishment and he had the club level. I met him in the lobby and we headed up to his room. Usually in other cases I would be on edge to make sure he’s not LE, but prior to meeting I screened him through his verification profile & 2 ladies that have seen him in the past 4 months. They both vouched for him so I felt at ease. Back to the appointment, we headed up to the room and talked for a good half hour, took a shower then got down to business. He pleased me very well & left the generous donation on the dresser, as requested. I was there for almost an hour, and enjoyed every moment. He offered me a glass of wine or champagne and I declined since I’m almost 60 days sober. I knew if I would have drank things would have gotten weird. Thankfully, he didn’t mind and we enjoyed eachother. After I left I took BART back to my city & got my nails done. I treated myself after that nice date.

He’s from NY and frequents SF, so we’ll see each other again.

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New Roommate

So I got a new roommate, lets call her Remy. My last one left 2 days after I got settled in at the group home. She was kinda off, but hella sweet. Well, Remy is the opposite. I figured out shes also a taurus like me, so it makes sense why we bump heads, but she’s so inconsiderate and needy. I feel like I need to watch over my stuff very well & I don’t sleep until I know she’s asleep. Also, I bought her a Reeses Cup the first night she was here. Been nothing, but nice to this 32 year old lady.

We did a group class at the church yesterday, and it was on Stress Management. The pastor asked, “What is something you can do to relieve stress?” He pointed at me and I told him “dancing”. Well I guess I triggered her somehow and she started laughing saying, “Psh. Dancing? You’re no dancer. I’ve taught all kinds of dancing & I’m professional. Instead of dancing you should exercise.” The pastor told her to relax since I wasn’t talking to her. Thats what started it all, and now she’s hella disrespectful. So as I’m walking out of the church, you see her doing some kind of choreography dancing, and I just walk passed her laughing; unbothered.

The next day was another thing. I had to shave, had a therapy appointment at 10:30am, and a dentist appointment at 1:30pm. I let the staff know so they were concerned about what time I was up and ready. As I go to the shower to shave, she’s in there trying to shave and I say, “oh you’re gonna do that right now?” She said in a low voice, “yeah I am get the fuck out my way.” So I walk out of the bathroom and let her do her thing. As I walk out, the staff let’s her know that I’m first priority since I have appointments set up. Her response was, “I don’t give a fuck what she needs to do. I need to get my EBT set up, and get signed up for school. So fuck her shit!” I ended up just getting ready and ignoring her. It’s starting to get hard to keep my mouth shut though.

She won’t stay in the same room as me, or sit near me. If I’m in the bedroom, she’ll go to the living room. If I’m in the living room, she’ll move to the kitchen or back to the bedroom. The only time were in the same area is when we’re sleeping or in the van. She’s pretty much running her own program here, smoking when she wants to smoke, throws a fit & says she’s gonna call the pastor if she doesn’t get her way, goes in the kitchen when we’re not even suppose to be in the kitchen. I’m starting to get annoyed because this is starting to get in the way of my mental sanity, my headspace, MY RECOVERY. I don’t feel comfortable in my own room, or her near my stuff cause I feel like she’s gonna do something to it or take something in a spiteful manner. The staff is getting tired of her tantrums and I’m just sitting back to see how this all plays out.

Until next time, Hernandez OUT! *Unless I need to write more in this blog cause there’s ALOT going on..

Healer

37204409_10216433262085012_6746410538361683968_nRight now, I’m dealing with an issue within myself. Helping other people is something I’m use to doing. Which is why I named this blog “Pleasing To Self Destruct”, I’m a huge healer. I want to help everyone else before I help myself. I have that friend, Benji, that I made at the mental hospital and we got really close. I could say he’s definitely my male best friend. We just clicked. Well, Benji is suppose to transition to the group home I’m at, yet a male hasn’t left. So he’s still in that hell hole of a psych ward. I feel hella bad and all I can think about is his well being. I hate to see any of my friends go down a dark path. I want all my friends to succeed, not fail. I just don’t know what else to do except bring it up every so often. What is annoying is theres a guy here that can leave, he has a place to go, but he’s still here. I hate when people take up space when someone else needs it.

When I was in rehab that’s all I thought about. I would see these inconsiderate assholes that went to the rehabs and were getting paid to be there. THAT shit pissed me off cause they’re taking up a bed that another person could be using. There was hella people being paid to be there, only used for a roof over their head, or weren’t ready to be sober. I knew so many people that would have loved that spot.

So at that moment that’s happening right now. I’m angry, irritated, frustrated and just plain out sad that my friend can’t come to this house yet, because someone else is selfish. That’s how I feel. I’m always going to be a people pleaser. I’m always going to put someone else’s well being in front of my own. I hate when people tell me to worry about myself, cause its not gonna happen. I worry too much about others, especially those that I care about. UGH! I’m gonna end this at I’M SO FUCKIN ANGRY!40943239_10216830408013412_293817175121068032_n

Coming Back For More?

I’m so frustrated with my ex, Ken, calling me. He literally called me to ask for help.

OK. Yeah, let me help you when you couldn’t even help me when I needed you the most. Remember, you called the police to put me in a mental hospital? Remember, when you said you were gonna visit and you never did? Remember, how you said you were gonna call me everyday and you didn’t? Remember, all the promises you made to me that you broke? Yeah, I do. You’re such a narcissistic person, it’s always about you. Even when I was in the psych ward you still made it about you. YOU were the one suffering from anxiety, but I’m sitting in a mental hospital that treats its patients like animals. YOU were suffering from paranoia and I WAS STILL sitting in a mental hospital that treated its patients like shit. I was completely doped up by nurses who did know what the fuck they were doing and you couldn’t even keep one promise to see me 1 time, when a mutual friend offered to take you.

YOU NEED HELP? Yeah you fuckin do. You had the audacity to call me a loser, when you’re the loser who sleeps on a mattress in a house filled with roaches. YOU ARE A ROACH. FUCK YOU.

Although, I am extremely pissed. and as much as I want to curse you..

I hope you enjoy the rest of your sad pathetic life. User, abuser, narcissist, asshole, scum on my shoe, shit on the sidewalk.

The song I dedicate to you is:

Needed Me – Rihanna

I was good on my own, that’s the way it was

That’s the way it was

You was good on the low for a faded fuck

On some faded love

Shit, what the fuck you complaining for?

Feeling jaded huh?

Used to trip off that shit I was kickin’ to you

Had some fun on the run though I give it to you

But baby

Don’t get it twisted

You was just another lil bitch on the hit list

Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch

Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage

Fuck your white horse and a carriage

Bet you never could imagine

Never told you you could have it

September 3rd – New Day

So I’ve been moved to a group home from the psych ward. At first I was hella anxious, but its definitely better than that psych ward I was at, holy hell I gave that place 1 star on Yelp. LOL It would be 0 if I could.

The Group Home is good, they have a cook, and do activities daily. There’s 6 people here: 4 guys and 2 girls. Interesting, but I guess guys have more mental issues than females? Idk cause when I was in the mental hospital there was like 15 guys and 4 girls.. so thats my assumption. Anyway, the house is an older house, but I’m grateful to have an amazing place take me in and treat me like their own. Everyone here has a mental illness, so we all relate to anxiety, anger, depression, borderline personality and bipolar disorder. Since its Labor Day we all went to the park to have a BBQ. They made barbeque chicken, hot dogs, and potato salad. I was too anxious to eat, so I ended up playing on the swings and jungle gym the whole time. I wish I did eat cause that shit look amazing.

It was nice swinging on the swings; I need to bring out my inner child since I was pretty much deprived of my childhood. I wanted to climb a tree, but then I was worried about insects or splinters LOL. Anyway, after the BBQ my stepmom brought me more clothes and shoes, thank goodness cause I’m gonna be here for 2 weeks. I think my anxiety came from leaving Benji at the psych ward, he was hella sad. We’re hoping he’s coming to this group home tomorrow or the next day. I guess the minute I left some guy tried to sucker punch him. He said I was his muscle/protection, pretty much. So I’m hoping he does come here and gets the help he needs.

My medication was all fucky today since the group home has their own schedule, so that made me pretty irritated and anxious. Other than that, my day has been wonderful and I’ll be ending this blog since my medications are kicking in (Trazadone, Seroquil & Gabapentin) Such a nice sleepy cocktail of meds. LOL.

Until next time, Hernandez out!

You Deserve Better

Ever been with someone so toxic, you feel their toxicity rubbing off on you? Even though you deserve better, you keep going back? We, as women shouldn’t feel less than, shouldn’t have to conserve ourselves because that’s what the man wants, shouldn’t feel the need to go back to the 50s because the man wants to be “The Man”. When two people meet everything should be mutual and everything should be out on the table.

I did that with this guy, let’s call him Ken. It was all kosher in the beginning, but once we started drinking together I noticed it got bad and fast. Once he found out I was escorting he wanted 50% of the cash I brought in. I literally laughed at his face cause all this dude did was sit on his mattress in his sad ass house. Then he decided it would be okay to put his hands on me. Granted, I did ask for it, but it was more in a BDSM, slap me, spank me kinda way. I guess he took it as “Hit Me Bitch Lets Fight”

We had a couple of altercations, they weren’t that bad, but still bad enough to leave him. I’ve never been the type of lady to let a man put hands on her because I’m the type to fight you back and I’ll make sure you’re seriously injured. He did leave a bruise on my cheek and when I came over he said “when you come over you cover that shit up when you’re around me!”

He’s the reason why I was 5250d, and that’s the only thing I thank him for.

I deserve better & I’m getting better. I found someone who wants the same things I want & I love that we’re taking it slow. I’ve never taken anything slow so it makes me anxious, but it’s a good thing. I feel like I’m done searching.. we shall see. Until the next blog! Hernandez Out!

When One Door Shuts Another Opens

When I got started in sex work I was 18 (2010) and my first encounter was scary, interesting and I can remember it very well. I replied to a post on Craigslist, and the guy seemed cool (Side Note: DO NOT GO OFF “HE SEEMED COOL”). His house was in the Berkeley Hills, hidden and tucked away. I was definitely nervous and contemplated going to this appointment, but money talks. He was in real estate, his house was gorgeous. He had a porch that outlooked into the Berkeley hills and it was 3 stories. He was a cool cat, but the only downfall was he did crystal meth. He asked if I wanted some, but I wasn’t interested. He ended up smoking some out of his pipe, and after a couple minutes of that we did what we did and $300 was left in an envelope in the bathroom. I freshened up and left. As I was sitting in my car, I was wondering if I should feel some kind of negative feeling, shame, or guilt? All I could do is smile, feel empowered, and drive away knowing I made a whole check in 30 minutes. After that, I was meeting men every weekend and then found other escorting sites and made profiles on there. This became my life for the next 8 years.

Escorting is not for everyone. You need to be motivated, strong-minded, determined, and willing to spend time with not so good looking guys, but not all the time. You’ll be taken on lavish dates, flown to different cities, boughten gifts from respectful and generous gentlemen. My escorting was more geared towards the “Heauxing” side. I would pay for a hotel, post on the advertising sites, get appointments set and we would enjoy one another’s company. I was considered a “low volume” provider, meaning I wouldn’t take more than 4 appointments a day. That may sound like a lot to a normal “square bear” but definitely isn’t in this industry. I also created my own website, do my own marketing and advertising, write my own ads, answer all my calls, emails, texts and voicemails.

I also stripped in San Francisco and for a bachelor party company in Vegas. Those were the best and worst times of my life. It brought me insecurity, deeper depression, over exhaustion, alcoholism, bumps and bruises, fights, loves lost and friendships were broken. The only good thing about dancing is it brought me my two best friends, Brooke & Kendra. Those two girls have been with me through thick and thin within and out of the industry.

Point being, I’m done. I want the regular life, with the regular husband and kids. Making Sunday morning brunches and having dinner parties, and being the barista I enjoy being. It’s all definitely possible while being a sex worker, but I’m coming to a realization it isn’t my calling. I have a bigger purpose on this earth and it’s to heal others. I was definitely healing others while I was dancing since most of the time its free therapy for the client; always talking about their marital problems and what their wife won’t do and financial debts, but its time to work on myself and get my certifications done. I’m heading more towards the medical field and counseling addicts and sex workers. I want to give back to the community that made me feel welcomed.

 

They Say I’m Crazy Pt. 2

Woke up this morning a bit earlier than usual and noticed “my babysitter” was sitting right in front of the door, just looking at me. He was a male, and I’ve had multiple negative male interactions. So I said, “Do you need to sit directly in front of me? Cant, you turn your chair to the side and check every so often, because you sitting like that staring at me is making me feel uncomfortable and I have PTSD.” He ended up getting defensive and told me to “lay down and don’t worry about what he’s doing!” Mind you, he’s not a nurse, just floor staff. My nurse came over to calm him down and let him know “he can’t talk to me like that and if I don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there than he needs to move” She also called him unprofessional and he was moved to look over another patient. It’s 10:19am and there’s already been so much drama. I made friends with another male patient here, let’s call him Benji, he’s hella cool, like my psych ward roll dog. I’ll definitely keep in contact with him after this, but anyway, his roommate was stealing stuff from Benji’s side of the room, yesterday. So I feel as his friend I should confront him when I saw him doing it myself. I ended up getting in trouble because its not my room nor my business.

Then there was an encounter with one of the crazier patients, the nurses went in to give him breakfast and he didn’t want it so I guess they decided to send in this heavy set, older security to contain him. Well, that didn’t go so well.. the patient socked the security in the nose and he was leaking, and when I say leaking, he was full on bleeding from his nose. They had to call the paramedics and drag the patient from his room to another one.

Just a while ago I was told I’m being discharged to a group home, which is amazing since I’ve heard nothing but good things about this place. So I’m pretty excited, right? When I’m excited I become very vibrant, loud, giggly, and just plain ol’ having a good time. Well, I guess my doctor (the one who told me to cover my boobs and butt) didn’t like how loud I was and told me to “calm down” which for me is triggering. I had a flashback of my dad scolding me when all I wanted to do was be a child having fun.

When I think about it, that’s all I want to be – a child having fun. Since I was deprived of my innocence and childhood so young, but that’s a whole other story.

They Say Im Crazy, But I Really Dont Care

I’m writing to you from a psychiatric hospital although I am heavily medicated. I realized they have a community computer so I decided to write away. This is my first time in a mental hospital, and let me tell ya, it’s way different from the two rehabs I’ve been to. In retrospect, they’re pretty much the same, but very much different. Rehab was ocean breeze, water skiing, personal chef, yoga, and groups. This hospital is far from that, microwavable breakfast, lunch, and dinner, same blue jumpsuits, staff that doesn’t seem to give a fuck; albeit there are a select few that are so caring and compassionate, and the only entertainment is a TV that only shows basic cable.

It all started when I had this overwhelming feeling of ending my life on Sunday, August 26th, 2018. I was talking to my ex-boyfriend about ending my life and was drinking heavily for 4 days straight. How much alcohol, you say? Enough to black out every time. Anyway, he ended up calling the PD and a peace office came to my house asking whats wrong. I told how I felt and unhappy I am with life. I just wanted to end it all or disappear cause no one LOVES me, yet they say they do. To say one thing is good, but to DO and show action is better and actually makes progress. I ended up letting the officer know that, yes I am in danger to myself. I was, embarrassingly, carried away in an ambulance and sent to urgent care until they had a bed open at the psychiatric hospital. I was at urgent care for several hours, possibly until midnight. I’m unclear about.

Anyway, they have a bed open at this psychiatric hospital, except it wasn’t a bed, it was a mattress on the floor with 2 blankets. My vitals were checked a couple times (Prehypertension) and I was given Ativan and Librium. They ended up waking us and noticed it was still dark outside.  So I’m unsure of the time. I picked up my stuff and was sent into this “Lobby A” area, and let me tell you, it’s something out of a movie: people walking lifelessly in blue jumpsuits, being dragged from one unit to another, screaming at other staff or patients, one guy shit himself and continued to walk around, and I had some guy expose himself to me. WOW. I’m really unsure of my days because I’m missing 1 whole day in my head. but after that gross incident, I sat around with others and did absolutely nothing. Thank goodness I had a book.

I ended up getting moved to a more silent lobby and it was considered “Lobby B”. It was definitely pretty calm. We ended up watching Hercules, ate dinner then took meds and passed out (Meds: Ativan). I haven’t had my appropriate sleeping meds yet because I haven’t spoken to a psychiatrist. So all that night I was tossing and turning and having some odd lucid dreams.  Next day I wake up to this horrific strong smell of urine.  I guess the lady beside me pissed on her cot. So the nurses are trying to find the source and the guy next to her points at her. So they get up and realize she pissed herself. After breakfast ended I was told I was being moved to the room next door, where I was all alone… no one. Just me myself and I, I ended up getting a roommate, but we’ll discuss that later.

As I was sitting in that room alone I was contemplating suicide and finding ways of cutting myself, and then I remembered the plastic cutlery. So I waited until lunchtime and after it got dark I started slicing, pressing the plastic knife ridges deep into my skin and glide it down. The plastic knife wasn’t that much of a help. but it was relieving the pain I was feeling at that moment. I then took my sleeping meds (Meds: Ativan) and fell asleep, although my dreams were so ridiculously vivid I really felt like I was in them. Damn, I love sleeping meds.

So, cut to the next day; the nurse asked me some questions and I let them know I did cut myself with their cutlery, so I’m not allowed to have plastic utensils while I’m here and I have a staff member on my ass at all times (Thank goodness he’s eye candy). They ended up moving me back to the first “Lobby A” I was in, so yeah it was pretty intense; some guy pooped himself and another girl scream/laughing over and over. Thankfully, I was only there for a couple of hours and was moved to “Unit D” where they had a bed and room available.

This is unit is okay. The hospital is okay. I mean, come on, it’s a city ran facility. Most of the staff here don’t have proper training, and frankly, I don’t think any of the nurses have it either. I was woken up at 6 am (WAY BEFORE WE NEED TO BE UP) to a man standing over me literally yelling “MONIQUE MONIQUE MONIQUE” I wake up and I’m like, “Do you fuckin mean Jessica cause Monique is not my fuckin name it’s my middle name” after that I hear the other staff lady say “Oh shes entitled” I then yelled back “I’m not entitled you cunts. Fuck you assholes!”. So that happens the 3 nights I’ve been in Unit D. I’ve wasted my breath too many times telling the staff that they need better bedside manner and definitely should be more sensitive to us since a lot of people here suffer from mental illness or addiction. Triggers are real. That man standing over me brought back a horrendous memory of my past that I’ve worked so hard at letting go & VOILA! at a psych ward, I’m being triggered again, but every day I’m here.

Last night was really interesting. Everyone was sitting around enjoying their snacks when all of a sudden an older man starts choking. I’m sure it was the peanut butter because they slather a huge amount with maybe a quarter of jelly. So none of the nurses seemed to know what to do, it looked like everyone was in shock. A nurse told another nurse to call Code Blue and he didn’t even know how to – He did know where the switch for Code Blue was… let that sink in. That wasted a good 30 seconds trying to find this switch. Paramedics came in and took him away.. not sure if he died or not.

Cut to today, Saturday, September 1st, 2018, I have woken up again the same way and that didn’t end well since of course, I ended up cussing out the staff. They also found the binder connector I pulled out to use to cut myself, assholes. We ended up going out got for “Occupational Therapy” and for the first time being here I was in a damn good mood. Well, some dancehall songs came on and I started grinding my hips while sitting down. I guess that offended that prude ass doctor because one of her minions came out and said I needed to “cover my butt and boobs” WTF. At that moment my face went blank and I walked to the corner and socked the wall. So now my hands kinda fucked. And okay, I will admit – I was wearing jeans, a spaghetti strap shirt with a red hoodie. That shouldn’t matter though. These are the very rights were trying to obtain.

If I feel like looking good and dressing a little sexier than that shouldn’t be an excuse for a man to touch me or a woman to tell me to change my clothes. The problem isn’t with my clothes, it’s with your small minded opinion. YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM NOT ME.

Anyways, I have two visitors today so that’s making me hella excited. My stepmom was supposed to bring my sisters, but they need to be 18 and they’re not, so that bummed me out since I really wanted to see them. :: Sad Face:: My other visitor is this guy I had a crush on in high school. He’s ACTUALLY coming to see me, unlike my now ex-boyfriend.

After my last visitor left there was a weird uncomfortable, almost sadistic situation that happened. They brought in an old man who was unconscious, slouched over and was shaking. So I asked a male staff for a blanket so I can cover him up. The staff gave me the blanket and was like “here you do it” with a smile. So as I go over to the old man I ask if he needs another blanket and he started screaming at me and whaling his arms around so I was like “okay I’ll just leave this behind you” and as im walking away I look at the male staff who gave me the blanket and hes smiling at me, sadistically it seemed. I told my friend, “I think he knew that was gonna happen, he knew that old man was gonna go crazy on my ass.” and we both look at him and hes still grinning. Hella spooked me out. That was the end of the night, stay tuned for part 2..

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